It was nice to have all the kids in school again and have some time here without them home fighting, but it was also kinda boring, after posting this morning I did some cleaning then I didn't have anything else I wanted to do so I went back to sleep and that was a mistake I had nightmares that were so horrible.  I know whats causing them but there isn't a damn thing I can do about it because no matter what I do my stepmother will still be out of jail and walking around free. She claims to not be a violent person but owned up to having a gun in both her home and her car and didn't leave the house without a gun, she also was just convicted of manslaughter of someone she supposedly loved so I sure would hate to know what she would do to someone that she doesn't like such as me.  I never before thought I was afraid of her but I am. I am afraid of someone  that turns her emotions on and off like a radio dial and someone that can be that calculating how can you not be afraid of the mind of a murderer?  This thing that has happened has changed me so much. I cannot even go to wal-mart without realizing how insignificant I am.  I was sitting outside wal-mart tonight and things seem so much bigger to me now. I was afraid of going in because in my mind even though I waited to go until late at night after 10 pm because I am afraid of running into my stepmother I still wouldn't go inside the store. I kept thinking that if I were her (God forbid) that is when I would go do my shopping as to try and avoid as many people as I could. But here I was avoiding people like I did something wrong and that's not right. I shouldn't have to be afraid to go in a store. I didn't kill anyone.  Sometimes its just more than I care to think about but yet that's all I can seem to do. I also started crying for no reason at all on the way to town because sometimes I am just overwhelmed and being a titty baby doesn't help so why the hell do I do that?  I wish I could kick myself for feeling sorry for that woman while she was in jail because now that she is out I feel sorry for me and I am tired of feeling sorry for me. I have years of experience doing that..Sometimes I think I am just crazy and that explains all my problems .... OH if it were  only that simple.. I long to be crazy LOL at least then I wouldn't worry about all this shit. and I could be getting a nice little crazy check and people wouldn't mess with me or expect better of me or blah blah blah................ Things would have to be so much more simple if I could only be nuts!!!!!!

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