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Monday, August 7th 2006

11:33 PM

Today went smoothly although rather boring

It was nice to have all the kids in school again and have some time here without them home fighting, but it was also kinda boring, after posting this morning I did some cleaning then I didn't have anything else I wanted to do so I went back to sleep and that was a mistake I had nightmares that were so horrible.  I know whats causing them but there isn't a damn thing I can do about it because no matter what I do my stepmother will still be out of jail and walking around free. She claims to not be a violent person but owned up to having a gun in both her home and her car and didn't leave the house without a gun, she also was just convicted of manslaughter of someone she supposedly loved so I sure would hate to know what she would do to someone that she doesn't like such as me.  I never before thought I was afraid of her but I am. I am afraid of someone  that turns her emotions on and off like a radio dial and someone that can be that calculating how can you not be afraid of the mind of a murderer?  This thing that has happened has changed me so much. I cannot even go to wal-mart without realizing how insignificant I am.  I was sitting outside wal-mart tonight and things seem so much bigger to me now. I was afraid of going in because in my mind even though I waited to go until late at night after 10 pm because I am afraid of running into my stepmother I still wouldn't go inside the store. I kept thinking that if I were her (God forbid) that is when I would go do my shopping as to try and avoid as many people as I could. But here I was avoiding people like I did something wrong and that's not right. I shouldn't have to be afraid to go in a store. I didn't kill anyone.  Sometimes its just more than I care to think about but yet that's all I can seem to do. I also started crying for no reason at all on the way to town because sometimes I am just overwhelmed and being a titty baby doesn't help so why the hell do I do that?  I wish I could kick myself for feeling sorry for that woman while she was in jail because now that she is out I feel sorry for me and I am tired of feeling sorry for me. I have years of experience doing that..Sometimes I think I am just crazy and that explains all my problems .... OH if it were  only that simple.. I long to be crazy LOL at least then I wouldn't worry about all this shit. and I could be getting a nice little crazy check and people wouldn't mess with me or expect better of me or blah blah blah................ Things would have to be so much more simple if I could only be nuts!!!!!!
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